Woof

I'm finding myself in this strange place of comparison with myself?
Honestly, I didn't know that was a thing. Woof.

Today I sit here longing for this blog to be a place for me to come and type to my hearts content. That was why I created it months ago, yet it still sits here empty. There is a part that reminds me that I once had that space in a blog 15 years ago and I let it go. no, I ran from it, because the pain of reading past thoughts was too hard. Infertility was the topic. It was supposed to be a short topic, ha, it sure wasn't. But in the process I documented every bit and connected with a huge community of women who were still on their journey, had been, or were just starting - it was a community that gave me strength and kept me connected in so many ways. 

Today I don't have a topic, or a specific thing that connects me to a larger community. I know that is okay. I know I have evolved in so many ways, I've worked my buns off to evolve and overcome so much. We have a beautiful family, living in a place that we dreamed of one day being. It's not all sunshine, but I feel so content and loved and happy - I have never been able to accept myself unconditionally. There was too much trauma I was carrying and avoiding and hiding to be able to do that. I finally started the process of working through all of that in March of 2023. I've done the work, again, it's not all sunshine, but I'm here, I'm on the other side - and while a lot of the time I felt like it was the biggest mistake of my life to open all that up and bring it to the surface, I'm forever changed by the process. Part of me wishes I had done it sooner, but I know I am right here, right now, because it all went how it should have. I live here, in Virginia, and in this body that I am so grateful for. Every day here is a reminder that showing up for myself is worth it. 

So today I am here, typing to my hearts content. No theme, no topic. Just showing up for myself. Shortly after I was able to own my trauma I came across a quote by Alan Cohen, "When your intentions is clear, so is the way." My intention is to live and stop hiding. Stop wasting life. Accountability and boundaries are NOT optional. I'm owning ALL of me, no settling, no more excuses. All I have to prove is that getting here was worth it and purposeful. My why is to LIVE, my purpose is to break the cycles of bullshit I've been exposed to my whole life - if there is one thing I am able to accomplish with my life, it is that those cycles will end with me!